Little Obsessions

You look at his profile pictures just one last time before you finish off your nightly screen time. It's nearly 11 pm. You're tired, you're lonely, and nothing seems to fill the ache inside. You have God in your life; this shouldn't be. But it is. And if you have this desire for marriage, how can it be from anyone but God? And why does God continue to withhold from you? Sound familiar? 

Join the club. 

So many times I have stretched my ear toward heaven, begging to hear something, anything. The only times I've actually heard from God, however, were when I least expected it. The words I heard, gave me hope. I hate it when I'm sure I've heard from God, only to later realize, I'm just a lonely, single girl with unfulfilled wishes. 

I promise you, I've tried it all. Waiting patiently, looking in unexpected places, laying down my desires at the alter, telling God I was done looking, and... always coming back to weird little obsessions with unavailable men. 

I wish my outlook were brighter. I wish my stance was stronger. I wish I could explain even a fraction of the ache in my heart. It's more than just an overactive sex drive (trust me, the thought has crossed my mind). The best explanation I have for my behavior? I'm so tired of being alone. I don't want to walk this life by myself any more. Sure, I probably could have settled by now, but, I refuse. And yes, I am sitting in a valley of deep despair. 

Oh, and doubt. I've lived so long with the nagging doubts that I'll be ready when the time comes. What if I miss him entirely? What if I'm overlooked because I don't have the "goods"? What if there's something wrong with me, and God's looking at me thinking, "She has soooo much work to do."? 

I hate this place. Desire warring with reality... dreams fighting with deep seated knowledge (or lies?)... wishes squabbling with a picture of marriage I don't want to see. 

I really don't want a gaggle of men throwing themselves at me. Just one. Just one man who looks at me an says, "That one... she's the one I can't do without.". Maybe my bar is too high. Not for him, for me. I want to be loved, not for superficial things and not for services I can provide. I'd like to be admired, perhaps; supported (definitely). I've always thought that perhaps the way I live my life might be a selling point. Right now, I even hate that because, let's face it, it's a pretty big obstacle. 

So what does one do with unfulfilled wishes and desires? I'm not sure. I often look to my friend (not truly) Elisabeth Elliot for answers. She spoke so eloquently about waiting on God's timing. I think it's easier said than done; however, she actually did (albeit in a simpler time). In her book Passion & Purity she says, 

"...the heart is a lonely hunter, 'the most deceitful of all things, desperately sick; who can fathom it? (Jer. 17:9 NEB)". (p.51) 

Harsh... but true. I need to deal with my heart. If you continue to read Jeremiah 17, you find that God searches secret motives. He sees and knows all. I sometimes forget that; especially when I comfort myself with "liking" just one more post (just so he knows I still exist). The problem doesn't lie in unavailable men, a God who is unhappy with me, or something I'm doing "wrong". 

It lies in my heart- in the secret motives that push me to obsess over someone who does not and most likely never will belong to me. And yes, this valley sucks. But then, I can continue to walk down the valley or I can turn and start hiking up the mountain. 
No more wallowing. 
No more self-pity.  
No more little obsessions that eat at my heart. 
Waiting is hard... but it's easier when I'm moving; when I'm taking action toward the person God designed me to be-- with or without someone to share it with.