Cliche

"It'll be fine.", "Everything will work out.", "It's ok."...
Sometimes well meaning cliches make me so angry. It's nice that you have such a rosy outlook. One that allows you to find comfort in words that have been repeated gagillions of times. It's frustrating that at my weak moments I can't even must the gumption to believe them.

I've been sludging through my issues for the past week, trying to make sense of this weird place I'm in.
None of it (life) makes sense right now.
Nothing that I'm feeling makes sense.
 And honestly, I'm not sure I can explain to anyone how they can help me. Which leaves me feeling eternally broken. Unfixable me. Alone. Afraid. And sure that there could never be anyone who would have the patience to help me figure it out.

I think this is where I go back to believing the enemy's lies that I cannot ever be "ready" for marriage. I have more issues than Time magazine... not sure if people really want to subscribe. Then again, I don't usually let them close enough to find out.

I was emotional with some friends lately. I don't think they knew what to do with it. I didn't know what to do with it. I'm truly sorry that I can't explain how you can help me. I just don't know. Usually I cry alone. Well, not alone exactly, with God.

I've been pretty distant from Him. I've also been pretty angry. And a lot scared.

I'm so tired of fighting. It must be what Moses felt in the battle when his arms kept falling down. There's a gaping hole in my life where that support system should be. What I wouldn't give for mentors, for some wisdom, for someone to talk to about life.

I don't want to feel alone but it seems to be all I feel these days. How can I feel so alone with so many people around?

How is it that all I see are my imperfections? Why are all of my wrongs so glaringly obvious? Honestly, I have moments when I'm sure that in my current condition, even God can't love me. I know in my heart that isn't true... somehow that doesn't keep me from buying that lie from time to time.

I wish I had some next steps, some way to help me fix it all. I don't. What I do know is that even at my weakest, all I have to do is call out to Jesus and He's there. My defender when life is bombarding me.

"Jesus keep my heart alive, keep my heart alive. Only You can save me from a world that's breaking right before my eyes... Take these empty "hallelujahs", and fill my lungs again. 'Cause I want to sing, and I want to mean it... Jesus, keep my heart alive..." 

Little Obsessions

You look at his profile pictures just one last time before you finish off your nightly screen time. It's nearly 11 pm. You're tired, you're lonely, and nothing seems to fill the ache inside. You have God in your life; this shouldn't be. But it is. And if you have this desire for marriage, how can it be from anyone but God? And why does God continue to withhold from you? Sound familiar? 

Join the club. 

So many times I have stretched my ear toward heaven, begging to hear something, anything. The only times I've actually heard from God, however, were when I least expected it. The words I heard, gave me hope. I hate it when I'm sure I've heard from God, only to later realize, I'm just a lonely, single girl with unfulfilled wishes. 

I promise you, I've tried it all. Waiting patiently, looking in unexpected places, laying down my desires at the alter, telling God I was done looking, and... always coming back to weird little obsessions with unavailable men. 

I wish my outlook were brighter. I wish my stance was stronger. I wish I could explain even a fraction of the ache in my heart. It's more than just an overactive sex drive (trust me, the thought has crossed my mind). The best explanation I have for my behavior? I'm so tired of being alone. I don't want to walk this life by myself any more. Sure, I probably could have settled by now, but, I refuse. And yes, I am sitting in a valley of deep despair. 

Oh, and doubt. I've lived so long with the nagging doubts that I'll be ready when the time comes. What if I miss him entirely? What if I'm overlooked because I don't have the "goods"? What if there's something wrong with me, and God's looking at me thinking, "She has soooo much work to do."? 

I hate this place. Desire warring with reality... dreams fighting with deep seated knowledge (or lies?)... wishes squabbling with a picture of marriage I don't want to see. 

I really don't want a gaggle of men throwing themselves at me. Just one. Just one man who looks at me an says, "That one... she's the one I can't do without.". Maybe my bar is too high. Not for him, for me. I want to be loved, not for superficial things and not for services I can provide. I'd like to be admired, perhaps; supported (definitely). I've always thought that perhaps the way I live my life might be a selling point. Right now, I even hate that because, let's face it, it's a pretty big obstacle. 

So what does one do with unfulfilled wishes and desires? I'm not sure. I often look to my friend (not truly) Elisabeth Elliot for answers. She spoke so eloquently about waiting on God's timing. I think it's easier said than done; however, she actually did (albeit in a simpler time). In her book Passion & Purity she says, 

"...the heart is a lonely hunter, 'the most deceitful of all things, desperately sick; who can fathom it? (Jer. 17:9 NEB)". (p.51) 

Harsh... but true. I need to deal with my heart. If you continue to read Jeremiah 17, you find that God searches secret motives. He sees and knows all. I sometimes forget that; especially when I comfort myself with "liking" just one more post (just so he knows I still exist). The problem doesn't lie in unavailable men, a God who is unhappy with me, or something I'm doing "wrong". 

It lies in my heart- in the secret motives that push me to obsess over someone who does not and most likely never will belong to me. And yes, this valley sucks. But then, I can continue to walk down the valley or I can turn and start hiking up the mountain. 
No more wallowing. 
No more self-pity.  
No more little obsessions that eat at my heart. 
Waiting is hard... but it's easier when I'm moving; when I'm taking action toward the person God designed me to be-- with or without someone to share it with.