Whelm

Whelm
1. verb (used with object) to submerge; engulf.
2. to overcome utterly; overwhelm:
3. verb (used without object) to roll or surge over something, as in becoming submerged.

Underwhelmed. A word I usually pair with something I'm not impressed with, underwhelmed pops up often in my vernacular. I use the word flippantly; usually to share one of my many opinions. On the flip side- a word I also use frequently, but with far more weight attached- OVERWHELMED. It looks heavy, it sounds heavy, when I say it, the weight on my shoulders feels heavy- as if I'm about to be crushed by circumstances that is beyond my control. 

As I ponder this feeling of overwhelmedness (not a real word)... I think of being swallowed up- by stress, by things I can't control but that I am forced to deal with, and so on. My curiosity today, pushed me to look up the definition of this root word. It described my feelings exactly. Aha! moment. However, it moves me no closer to finding solutions to the situations that overwhelm me- most, on a daily basis. 

So what's a girl to do when she feels submerged- utterly overcome- with life? Today, I ran where I should have been running (or swimming to) all along- Jesus- the author and FINISHER of my faith. That's right, in those moments when doubt rushes in on the heels of an overwhelming situation, there is Jesus- the one who finishes. Beyond this situation, beyond this fear, this doubt, this mere moment- there is my heavenly father- reaching out as I run to Him. 

Therefore, we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him, endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.         Hebrews 12: 1-2

The scripture goes on to speak about the chastening of the Lord. Although this word means to cause suffering with the goal of improvement, it also means to restrain or subdue- to make chaste. Perhaps these overwhelming circumstances are God working out my salvation. Perhaps the very things I struggle with today are the tools I need for tomorrow. Jesus stands in my future- in your future- knowing what is coming, knowing what must be done; just as He knew what he had to do on the cross. He endured. And so shall I... for the joy that is set before me far outshines the trials of this current life. So shall I. 

Hold On Tight

Control. It's a funny thing... it parades itself as a real thing. Telling you that you can change situations, change your destiny, fix people, etc. It's all an illusion. The harder I hold on, the less God can move in the situation. (At least that's what I've been learning.)

My relationship with control must have started young. I have a feeling it was closely tied to my relationship with fear. Someone recently described fear as a friend. Although I didn't want to hear those words, in my heart I knew them to be true. They went on to say that you don't fight your friends, you fight your enemies. The problem is... fear and control don't seem like enemies. They are the way that I have held my little world together for so long.... Or have I?

Entropy is described as the "lack of order or predictability, gradual decline into disorder." The first time I encountered this term was in reference to the constant expanding state of the universe. If it's true that our universe is constantly expanding, and has been from the moment God spoke it into existence, was there ever really control? And furthermore, did WE ever have any control?

Working theory: Nothing in this sin-soaked world has ever truly been in order. So why do we try so hard to grasp a hold of things? I think on some level, we know that this world is spinning out of control. We sense it in our families, our churches, our relationships... I could go on endlessly. We try desperately to grasp a hold of things that will bring order. But does they ever really??? "Oh, I'll just buy a new calendar, that will help me get organized.", "If I tell him this, he will stay.", "If our church follows this formula, we will reach the lost with the gospel."

And standing on the fringes of our failed attempts at control, is God. The omniscient One. The omnipotent One. The omnipresent One. The One who is everywhere, knows everything, and is all powerful. Why do we doubt Him so?

28. Have you not known?
Have you not heard?
The everlasting God, the Lord,
The Creator of the ends of the earth,
Neither faints nor is weary.
His understanding is unsearchable.
29. He gives power to the weak,
And to those who have no might, He increases strength.
30. Even the youths shall faint and be weary,
And the young men shall utterly fall,
31. But those who wait on the Lord,
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint.

I will leave you with one word: Surrender. This world is slowly moving to entropy, BUT GOD.... What if all we really need is the all powerful God who is already on our side? What if we just gave ourselves and our situations and our hurdles over to Him? What if we just SURRENDERED?

* Isa. 40: 21-31

Cliche

"It'll be fine.", "Everything will work out.", "It's ok."...
Sometimes well meaning cliches make me so angry. It's nice that you have such a rosy outlook. One that allows you to find comfort in words that have been repeated gagillions of times. It's frustrating that at my weak moments I can't even must the gumption to believe them.

I've been sludging through my issues for the past week, trying to make sense of this weird place I'm in.
None of it (life) makes sense right now.
Nothing that I'm feeling makes sense.
 And honestly, I'm not sure I can explain to anyone how they can help me. Which leaves me feeling eternally broken. Unfixable me. Alone. Afraid. And sure that there could never be anyone who would have the patience to help me figure it out.

I think this is where I go back to believing the enemy's lies that I cannot ever be "ready" for marriage. I have more issues than Time magazine... not sure if people really want to subscribe. Then again, I don't usually let them close enough to find out.

I was emotional with some friends lately. I don't think they knew what to do with it. I didn't know what to do with it. I'm truly sorry that I can't explain how you can help me. I just don't know. Usually I cry alone. Well, not alone exactly, with God.

I've been pretty distant from Him. I've also been pretty angry. And a lot scared.

I'm so tired of fighting. It must be what Moses felt in the battle when his arms kept falling down. There's a gaping hole in my life where that support system should be. What I wouldn't give for mentors, for some wisdom, for someone to talk to about life.

I don't want to feel alone but it seems to be all I feel these days. How can I feel so alone with so many people around?

How is it that all I see are my imperfections? Why are all of my wrongs so glaringly obvious? Honestly, I have moments when I'm sure that in my current condition, even God can't love me. I know in my heart that isn't true... somehow that doesn't keep me from buying that lie from time to time.

I wish I had some next steps, some way to help me fix it all. I don't. What I do know is that even at my weakest, all I have to do is call out to Jesus and He's there. My defender when life is bombarding me.

"Jesus keep my heart alive, keep my heart alive. Only You can save me from a world that's breaking right before my eyes... Take these empty "hallelujahs", and fill my lungs again. 'Cause I want to sing, and I want to mean it... Jesus, keep my heart alive..."